Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Bored now...

Huntley "saner than I am" says judge

After hearing evidence from Medical Examiner Col Hubert Tubert, the judge avenging the deaths of Soham's Roses said that Ian Huntley was completely sane.

Justice Anthony Burbage said: "The act of taking two young girls and butchering them horribly without apparent motive is a supremely sensible one. If more people behaved like this there would be fewer teenage pregnancies, and fewer young people smacked out of their tiny crack-pans on cocaine e-balls stealing gloves to feed their insane habits. I entirely commend Mr Huntley on his eminently rational attitude to life.

"It really is a shame, when a great country like ours, ruined and doistered by years of the Nanny State, has to look to people like Mr Huntley for an example. I anticipate withhorror the day on which our English paedophiles, hooligans and vigilantes are treated like common criminals." In the rest of his four-hour rant the judge's comments included: "Why this man's so sane he makes Hitler look a bit mad!" and "Nurse! It's happened again!"

Justice works. Think of the children.

Read more here

I am such a rubbish at this blog malarkey

I've never got the hang of quite how this is meant to be done. Just so I'm straight on a few things: people without real friends sit, calcifying their retinas with each moment they spend gazing into the blank radiation of a computer screen, thinking that their observations, or pain, or poor attempts at humour are something the whole world is lacking? Do these people really imagine that people across the world rush home from work every day in order to discover which other girl they spent half an hour looking at in a coffee shop the other day as she failed to notice, until she was distinctly unimpressed by their "Programmers do it all night long, preferably with a can of Jolt and a huge amount of downloaded pornography" T-shirt?

I don't care. I just don't give even the slightest iota of a scintilla of a shit. Ream me sideways with a screwdriver if I ever think that what I really need to do with my life is find out, in 5000 words, why a teenager in Idaho thinks Korn rule, or who else is going in Carina's Book of People I Really Hate (vol. 7).

Not only is it offensive to my sensibilities, but it's physically embarrassing how shameless these people are. Just the words "I found something out today" bring me out in hives and send my skin scuttling off my back and into the corner. People are meant to have secrets.

You're not that interesting. Your impotence, your failure to relate to people who exist in a world you loathe having to deal with except to get groceries and cream for your bed-sores, your fucking awful, tawdry, banal little lives are not worth sharing.

Your pain isn't special, your jokes are almost invariably borrowed from Eddie Izzard, and the sheer self-obsession you display every time you decide to write another entry in $t@rFairy'$ Diary! makes you an utterly unlovable human bring, and a waste of perfectly good pixels.

Now, fuck off.

Yes, I am well aware of the irony inherent in this rant. You're still not clever.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002


Little bit of politics, ladies and gennelmen...

Friday, July 12, 2002

Cheating bloody Normans

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

I Love Visual Gags

(hint: Fuck off, it's easy...)

My favourite book

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Dead Fly edges out Chirac and Le Pen!

In a startling development in France's tortuous presidential election process yesterday, a dead fly beat both Jacques Chirac and far-right candidate Jean Le Pen to become head of state in the ailing democracy. In one of the closest-fought battles in France's electoral history, the dead fly edged out the other candidates, receiving only one vote more than either of the others.

The pivotal voter in this election, Jean-Bertrand Robespierre from Nimes, said of his crucial vote: "Hee-haw heehaw heehaw-heehaw. Heehaw heehaw heehaw. Fauteuil."

It is believe that the dead fly received the deciding vote, when he became lodged under the heel of M Robespierre's hand whilst crawling across the ballot paper on Monday. A spokesman for the beleaguered Frenchman said: "M Robespierre did not go to the polling station with the intention of voting, but, due to the amount of cheap, red wine he had consumed between his morning croissants and brushing his teeth, accidentally marked the page whilst stumbling through the polling booth.

"The fact that this mark quite clearly appears next to the dead fly attached to the paper in no way indicates M Robespierre's approval of the aforesaid candidate, nor should it be taken to be an indication of any willingness on his part to participate in the system of parliamentary democracy.

"M Robespierre's family have a long tradition of not-voting, and he would just like to apologise to the people of Nimes and to the people of France itself for any distress that may be caused by his inadvertently voting in such a flagrant and reprehensible manner." A government spokesman called his posting a ballot slip "a gross and horrible traducement of France's traditions of apathy and voter disregard for the realities of the world".

In other news, the French public were ousted as the electorate by a weasel. The French were ruled 'unfit to govern', and promptly organised a piss-up in a brewery.

France is made of green cheese.

Read more here...

Thursday, April 04, 2002

Old, Dead Woman Gets About A Bit!

Where next for the Queen Mum? That Coffin Tour in full

St James' Palace today released full details of the movements of the gin-soaked remains of the nation's granny. Highlights include:

1) Friday, April 5th, 8:00am: Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother will be moved via a fleet of royal pigeons to Balmoral, her very favourite place, where she will be massaged gently by members of the royal household, each of whom will be wearing a regimental stoat, draped loosely, yet stylishly, from their humble shoulders.

2) Saturday, April 6th, 12:00 noon: QEtQM will watch the Cordon Bleu Handicap Hurdle Class A (Listed) at Aintree, betting £400 million on the rank outsider Dark Flasher, just because no-one's going to tell her not to. This will be followed by a short period in which the corpse is liberally sprinkled with Gordon's, and QEtQM will mutter to herself about where that lovely My Wyatt went, and how the horses ran so much faster during the war.

3) Sunday April 7th, 6:00am: QEtQM's body will be lain in state at Westminster Abbey, in order that the common folk of London can come and remenisce about how 'she was the only decent one of 'em', and how she got bombed during the war, too. No mention will be made of the infamous "What was all that about? I thought we had a deal!" telegram sent by George Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to the Reichschancellor shortly after this, nor of the fact that QEtQM use to give copies of 'Mein Kampf' to people as birthday presents. During this period, the Royal Grandchildren will keep a vigil, during which Prince Charles may weep freely, showing the ability of the Royal family to display emotions, despite their insides being a jumble of wires and plastic, unless, however, the dead person happens to be a common, feckless slattern who was carrying on with a jumped-up cameljockey.

4) Wedneday April 10th, 2:00pm: It is traditional that on the elevelnth day after the death of a monarch their body be made available to the general public of Great Britain for a period of not less than four hours, in order that they might cry. Thus, at this time, the Queen Mother's corpse will be inflated to the size of a small car park, and displayed in the sky above the major cities of the United Kingdom until, as was her express wish, the wind will blow her to Glamis.

5) Wednesday April 10th, 6:00pm: QEtQM's grossly bloated corpes will be towed, by means of ceremonial rope, to Windsor, where Princes William and Harry will take turns to attempt to deflate it, using nothing more than guns. When this is achieved, QEtQM will take her final whizz around London, helium and hydrogen pouring from the orifices her great-grandchildren have newly prepared for her, finally being deposited, with a splash, into the murky bowels of the Thames, her very favourite river.

Old women die, sometimes.

Read more here

Thursday, March 28, 2002

Trepanning Permission

In a move announced by Stephen Byers today, it has become clear that the government is planning to adopt the French methods of ensuring that local government is both efficient and accountable. The Department of Transport, Local Government and the Regions, in the green paper it published today "Delivering a short, sharp death sentence" describes how it will be encouraging Britons to follow the lead of Parisian Richard Durn, who opened fire on his local council meeting with an automatic weapon, shortly before killing himself, leaving eight dead, and 19 more injured.

"It is clear that we must combat the spiralling costs of local government," said Mr Byers "And if we can do that at a local level, so much the better. Let's be frank, it's annoying that anyone should have to vote any more than once every five years, and culling members of parish, city and county coucils through the use of heavily armed vigilantes, who will take their own lives before coming to court marks a cost saving in every department."

It is believed that any council seat held by someone slaughtered by a lonely gun-nut will be filled by an appointee from Westminster, saving the expense and wasted time of a by-election. A spokesman for the department said: "It is clear that in the future, murder will become one of the key performance indicators on which we shall judge any council. A council in fear for its life is more likely to be responsive to the needs of its constituents, and offer higher vertically-integrated advantages for greater all-round growth."

The move, however, has come in for criticism from the Opposition. Shadow Chancellor, Michael Howard met the press in the parlour of a Westminster brothel. Dressed in a velvet smoking jacket, dangling a cheroot rakishly from his twisted bottom lip, and gazing smoulderingly at the assembled hacks he said: "This is just another example of Labour trying to use the language of efficiency but the policies of rampant socialism. What guarantees have we that we are getting best value from our psychotics, against what are they to be benchmarked? That is where this green paper is dangerously quiet, and it is that which the British taxpayer will refuse to wear."

Referring to a 'nanny state', Mr Howard went on to call for public tendering for all positions as homicidal brain-jobs, with preferred bids coming from consortia made up of members of previous Tory cabinets, and other wealthy industrialists. "The success of private enterprise in our rail and tube systems, hospitals, gas, electricity and steel industries, all attest to the fact that this shouldn't be a cushy, nationalised butchery, but one carried out by the far more experienced members of the private sector. After all, who else is better-versed in blood-letting for profit?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, before sinking his fangs into a plump, young virgin.

The Yellow ones are on holiday. They like sausages.

Read more here...

Friday, March 22, 2002

"Retards win Oscars, give me mine now!" says Crowe

During a press conference at which he wrestled a sheep to the ground today, Russel Crowe demanded that the Academy forgo its usual awards ceremony, in favour of just giving him the damned thing, and replace it with a documentary about how to drink beer.

The feisty Antipodean stood astride a podium, freshly sheared mutton in one hand, his Oscar from last year in the other. "Look, mates: Rain Man, My Left Foot, Forrest Gump, Scent of a Woman, and even As Good As it Fuckin' Gets, all of these had spazzers in on the understanding that they'd get the Oscar. I'm last year's Best Actor in a Leading Role, and this year I made the effort to pretend to be a duhrbrain in front of all my friends, so let's cut the crap, all right?"

The grizzled Australian, who expressed no surprise at how it snows at the wrong time of year in the northern hemisphere, and seemed unfazed by the direction water flowed out of his sink, says that they may as well chuck the whole thing now, and give it another go next year. He also demanded that the Academy award a post-dated Oscar to Richard Dreyfus for Whose Life is it Anyway, and cried when someone mentioned the whales.

Yahoo Serious had no comment.

Thatcher killed by verb!

When the faithful gathered to hear former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher give a speech on European integration today, few expected the horror that was to come. Observers say that the lizard-queen began confidently, using the words: 'dago', 'wop' and 'chink' more than forty times in her opening sentence. However, she was less than than three minutes into her insane ramblings when a verb appeared to catch in her throat leading to her imediate hospitalisation. Marc Perry, 32, who was there and once watched an episode of ER, said: "The words seemed to lodge in the back of her mouth and start strangling her, using her tongue as some sort of primitive bludgeon. I suspected the presence of subdural epidoemas instantly. I need a saline IV over here, stat!"

Earlier in the week, doctors had advised Mrs Thatcher that she should no longer speak in public, given her state of health, after she complained of 'feeling ill' on Tuesday morning. Mrs Thatcher died peacefully, whilst beating an NHS doctor about the head and chest with a poisoned walking stick.

Still, her spokespeople say that he has no intention of letting this minor setback affect her public appearances. "Mrs Thatcher is a world-renowned leader, with a lot to offer in terms of both knowledge and expertise at the highest level. She is also a doughty old bird, and henceforth shall be wheeled around in a specially prepared coffin equipped with a tube through which she can talk. She has no intention of lying down just yet!"

The Tory party is the blue one.

Read more here...

Bush at the Comedy Store, Sunday!

The Comedy Store Players today announced that, in future, they will be joined on stage by President of the United States of America, George W Bush. The improvisational comedy troupe made the shocking decision after hearing reports of Bush's keynote speech to the UN conference on Financing the Development of Mexico on Friday. Paul Merton says: "I laughed my ringpiece through my nose."

White House sources say greeted the news warmly: "We are glad that the speech went down so well, and that the jokes hit the right note. World debt is a serious issue, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't think broad comedy was the way to go with it." George W Bush is said to be working up some new material, given the success of his offer to give more aid to countries that embraced free trade and democracy. "After the results of the 2000 elections and the impositions of import tariffs on steel, we thought the best way was to give everyone a laugh before starting the important work of neglecting the world's poor".

The Comedy Store have great hopes for their new signing, rejecting allegations that the President's 'bumbling fool' routine was getting stale: "George has shown today that there's a lot of life left in his form of comedy. He's one of a kind, and he's working up lots of new material. I wouldn't be giving too much away to if I said 'Keep you eyes on Iraq! And look for sales of whoopee cushions to go through the roof'".

John Sessions can be heard muttering on street corners.

Read more here...

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Cheney offers Arafat olive branch

In a move today that looks likely to end all war in the Middle East, Vice-President of the USA Dick Cheney is preparing to offer an olive branch to the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. After a cycle of months of violence, this gives many hope that world peace could be achieved by Christmas.

The olive branch itself will have to be removed by Mr Arafat without using his hands from between Mr Cheney's clenched, naked buttocks, the currently favoured method in the international community is with his teeth. Nelson Mandela said: "Teeth. Definitely. They're the only way to go in a situation like this." A spokesman for the Vice-President said: "We see this as a very positive move. Yes, under the harsh lights of a press conference, sweat may well be an issue, but Mr Sharon's only stipulation is that there be no towels on hand to remove it. He's being very reasonable about the whole thing."

The White House press department rejected claims that the old man would have to pretend to have to enjoy nuzzling the Vice-President's hairy crack: "It would be quite unfeasible for us to expect Mr Cheney's heart to stand up to that sort of rectal attention. Mr Arafat will simply have to wear a T-shirt throughout the process, which reads 'I'm sorry I was wrong. So very, very wrong.'"

Dick Cheney has a nice smile. Sort of like a billionaire, beardless Santa.

Read more here...

Greens join the Nazi Party

(late filing from Berlin, October 1932)

In a shock move today, which may well prove crucial in next month's Reichstag elections, the Green Party has allied itself to the National Socialists, primarily in support of their call for 'lebensraum'.

A Green spokesman said: "This very closely mirrors our own belief in the support of rural economies, and of a sustainable agricultural future. It's obvious that we can't keep on going the way we are now without significantly adding to the amount of green field sites we have."

The move will be seen as a great boon to the public image of Nazism, heretofore mainly popular amongst anti-Semites and leather-fetishists. Party spokeman Rudolph Hess said yesterday: "We have been often been portrayed in the past as narrow-minded extremists. This should prove to everyone, and especially the young, that the immediate establishment of a Third Reich is a sensible policy for a sensible Germany."

Hitler is tiny.

Read more here...

Humans Fail to get Angry

The world community was rocked to its foundations today, as it emerged that a group of high-profile entertainers had, today, failed to protest the killings of thousands of innocent Afghans.

Song-writer Sir Elton John was joined by the likes of Ian McKellen, Eddie Izzard and Maureen Lipman in unilaterally remaining silent about the American military actions in the area. The Afghans, not seen on any cruise ships in Cairo, and enduring the worst famine in recent memory, are thought to have aroused no concern at all about their plight because they are poor and have contributed very little to the world of showtunes. Labour EuroMP Michael Cashman, who was once in Eastenders said: "If we do nothing then we condone these abuses of fundamental rights."

Ian McKellen is a wizard.

Read more here...

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Things you wish you'd though of #1

He's a crippled escapee from the circus. She's the product of a PHP database. They fight crime. Go look.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Why I'm still opposed to war in Afghanistan

But, Natt, they say, it was all such a long time ago. Just leave it alone. We won. Us. The good guys. Triumphed over evil, yay! You know, how it was meant to go. World safe, home in time for tea, freeing the poor and the oppressed...

Bollocks. Utter sweat-laden (if you'll excuse the pun) bollocks. We in the first world are good at making horrific mistakes in other people's countries, and this was one of the most blatantly unjustified and vicious attacks on a developing country, pursued more openly, and supported with more fervour than any I can possibly remember. And here's why:

1) The lack of blue hats - After the Second World War, with most of Europe smouldering, humanity tried to come up with a better was to resolve conflict. It came up with this aim: "We the people of the United Nations determined to save future generations from the blight of war, which twice in our lifetimes has brought untold suffering to mankind". This was perhaps the second moment in human history when there had been a concerted effort by the governments of Western nations to bring war to an end. It can hardly be a coincidence that this was at the close of one of the most damaging conflicts the world has ever seen.

War is a terrible, terrible thing, as our grandparents experienced at first hand, and, in order that we should never have to experience it they set up a means of resolving conflict without having to kill people. They called it the United Nations. However, when faced with the greatest test of its abilities, and despite the sympathy of the Security Council, the UN was deliberately sidelined by Britain and the USA, and the other allies in the conflict.

In a situation in which is was vital that the Muslim world see that what was being done had legitimacy, we ignored the structures for ensuring it which we had worked so hard to put in place. If ever there was a time for the United Nations to rally, this was a surely an opportunity for it, but we denied it the opportunity, we preferred to act on our own, rather than on behalf of the community of the world, and, because of it, we caused untold damage to the cause of peace.

We did it, however for a very good reason: the problem with the UN is, it's full of bloody foreigners.

2)This further undermined efforts to ensure that international relations are governed by the rule of law - We don't trust the UN because it's always disagreeing with us. They let Communists, Frenchmen and even poor countries into it!

Which country was it that vetoed the setting up of an International Court of Criminal Justice in the summer of 2001? The USA. Why? Because that would have held it as accountable as everyone else for atrocities committed overseas. We simply don't like the idea of being subject to anything, especialy not the kind of law that respects everyone as equals under it.

3) We bombed one of the poorest countries in the world. I htink that speaks for itself. We bombed one of the poorest countries in the world which, we conceded, had not been engaged in the terrorist attacks on America.

We never asserted that the Taleban were involved in these attacks, or that the people of Afghanistan were complicit in the flying of planes in to the World Trade Centre, and yet we had no compunction about bombing civilian areas (including the capital city), and yet claiming that this was not a war against the people of Afghanistan. They were just 'collateral damage'.

We have justified this since, saying that everyone in Afghanistan is much happier without the Taleban, they can play rock music and throw their burqas away, but let us not forget that this was not the aim of what we did, and should not be used to justify it after the fact. If we were truly fighting for human rights, we should have been bombing Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, China, and Iran. It is disingenuous and insulting of us to suggest that we were on a humanitarian mission. They tend not to include killing thousands of civilians.

4) Our 'proof'. Although we now have seen videotapes that suggest that Bin Laden was, indeed, behind the attacks in the US, at that time we could simply produce one document of 11 pages.

The opening paragraph of this document says that it would not be considered 'proof' under law. That is, we need more evidence to convict someone of shoplifting than we felt we needed to bomb civilian areas of one of the poorest countries of the world.

5)We were determined to punish the Afghans as well as Bin Laden. The Taleban, as you may remember, offered to hand Bin Laden over to a neutral country. In a country with a significant amount of Islamic fundamentalism, this is a significant concession, and one that should have been entirely acceptable to us under international law.

However, this provoked George Bush's "I said 'no negotiation', and that means 'no negotiation'" response. Not only is this patently untrue, as the ultimatum to hand Bin Laden over to a country allied to the West was, in essence a negotiation, but it was quite clearly a rejection of an acceptable method of resolving the situation without a resort to conflict.

6)Our attitudes towards 'terrorism'. It has been said many times that it was the CIA who trained Bin Laden, as part of the mujaheddin in Afghanistan during the 1980s. This was done in order to exploit Islamic fundamentalism, and reduce the Soviet Union's sphere of influence in Middle East. Terrorism is all rightwhen it's directed against those we don't like.

Also, the question arises: is terrorism always bad? Would we support the bombing of Northern Ireland (or Eire for its sympathy to republican aims)? Would we support the Chinese if they started razing Tibet in response to 'terrorism'? Will our forces beon the ground with Russia's next time it puts down Chechnyan 'terrorism'? All of these groups have used violent means of expression for their discontent.

Israel itself is a country formed as the result of a campaign of terrorism. Who can doubt the influence of the Stern Gang and similar organisations in bringing about an Israeli state? America itself was created as a republic by the use of arms against its mother power. America is a living testament to the power of the use of armsto achieve political ends, and none would say that that wasn't a good thing. Our concept of what is terrorism and what is legitimate action is neither sophisticated nor robust enough to justify the actions we have taken.

7) Our lack of concern for the law. It is a mark of our civilisation that we create structures to govern dicputes between ourselves. We agree conventions, saying that this is how we treat each other, and these are the rules governing our behaviour. That the Bush administration (in much supported by the Blair government) shows such a contempt for the rights of prisoners, who have not been tried, in Guantanamo Bay, that the Secretary of State can say that he wishes people to be executed without trial is a sad indictment of the world in which we are living. It is far removed from the noble aims of our grandparents.

8) It didn't work. Quite frankly, it didn't. Many died, a famine was exacerbated, and many more may die because of what we have done, and yet where is he? We are assured that he is in caves, which we sweep and say that he must be in Somalia, and the truth is we just don't know. We are no closer to the head of the Al-Qaida network than we were in October, and yet we have caused a huge amount of misery. This is something about which we must all mourn.

And that's it. Mainly. I have other reasons, but I feel that I have ranted enough. I'm sure you'll all disagree, so it's just as well I know I'm right. Feel free to rant back at me.

Peace, quite literally, out...

Big old advert!

OK, OK, OK, it's probably a waste of both my time and yours, but this is what I'm doing at the moment. That's the company a friend and I have started;so if anyone has any 3D graphical needs, please don't hesitate to email me.

It occurs to me that that's the second time in recent memory that I've tried to solicit you all to give me money. This must stop. (But if you have some, you know the email address.

Monday, January 28, 2002

Scary, scary people...

That's what I like about the Internet, there's always someone out there scarier than you. No matter whether you have your dead mother stuffed in a cage in the corner of the sitting room, or have a boxed set of Noel Edmonds videos, someone, somewhere has taken how weird you are, and multipled it immeasurably. These people at Coincidence Design are just some of those scary, scary people.

Whereas most of us accept the fact that the only way you're actually going to get to meet someone is to take a bath, and hover around a corner until you can spill coffee over them, the good people at Coincidence Design (for the bargain price of $78,000) will stalk the object of your sad, foetid affection around for months, prepare you a dossier on their habits, pump their friends forinformation, and then arrange for you to bump into them.

Now, I'm no Coincidence Designer, but wouldn't walking up to them, giving the $78,000 straight to them and saying: "Would you mind awfully going for a drink with me. After all, having spilt so much coffee over you, it's the least I can do..." might be just as efficacious and slightly less mental? No. Of course it wouldn't.

See if I care...

Well, seeing as none of you seems to be a hugely rich and powerful movie producer, or, if you are, you have no fingers and thus were unable to email me with a large cheque, I have had to get a job in the real world. The world of 3D imaging. It's a man's life; some of the renders can be particularly vicious. Means I get a proper email address, though. So that's something. And more time spent in front of a computer, means more time spent in front of you, the ever-eager public. This is the new email address. Use it for whatever comes out of your brain. Ta.