Old, Dead Woman Gets About A Bit!

Where next for the Queen Mum? That Coffin Tour in full

St James' Palace today released full details of the movements of the gin-soaked remains of the nation's granny. Highlights include:

1) Friday, April 5th, 8:00am: Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother will be moved via a fleet of royal pigeons to Balmoral, her very favourite place, where she will be massaged gently by members of the royal household, each of whom will be wearing a regimental stoat, draped loosely, yet stylishly, from their humble shoulders.

2) Saturday, April 6th, 12:00 noon: QEtQM will watch the Cordon Bleu Handicap Hurdle Class A (Listed) at Aintree, betting £400 million on the rank outsider Dark Flasher, just because no-one's going to tell her not to. This will be followed by a short period in which the corpse is liberally sprinkled with Gordon's, and QEtQM will mutter to herself about where that lovely My Wyatt went, and how the horses ran so much faster during the war.

3) Sunday April 7th, 6:00am: QEtQM's body will be lain in state at Westminster Abbey, in order that the common folk of London can come and remenisce about how 'she was the only decent one of 'em', and how she got bombed during the war, too. No mention will be made of the infamous "What was all that about? I thought we had a deal!" telegram sent by George Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to the Reichschancellor shortly after this, nor of the fact that QEtQM use to give copies of 'Mein Kampf' to people as birthday presents. During this period, the Royal Grandchildren will keep a vigil, during which Prince Charles may weep freely, showing the ability of the Royal family to display emotions, despite their insides being a jumble of wires and plastic, unless, however, the dead person happens to be a common, feckless slattern who was carrying on with a jumped-up cameljockey.

4) Wedneday April 10th, 2:00pm: It is traditional that on the elevelnth day after the death of a monarch their body be made available to the general public of Great Britain for a period of not less than four hours, in order that they might cry. Thus, at this time, the Queen Mother's corpse will be inflated to the size of a small car park, and displayed in the sky above the major cities of the United Kingdom until, as was her express wish, the wind will blow her to Glamis.

5) Wednesday April 10th, 6:00pm: QEtQM's grossly bloated corpes will be towed, by means of ceremonial rope, to Windsor, where Princes William and Harry will take turns to attempt to deflate it, using nothing more than guns. When this is achieved, QEtQM will take her final whizz around London, helium and hydrogen pouring from the orifices her great-grandchildren have newly prepared for her, finally being deposited, with a splash, into the murky bowels of the Thames, her very favourite river.

Old women die, sometimes.

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