Thursday, March 28, 2002

Trepanning Permission

In a move announced by Stephen Byers today, it has become clear that the government is planning to adopt the French methods of ensuring that local government is both efficient and accountable. The Department of Transport, Local Government and the Regions, in the green paper it published today "Delivering a short, sharp death sentence" describes how it will be encouraging Britons to follow the lead of Parisian Richard Durn, who opened fire on his local council meeting with an automatic weapon, shortly before killing himself, leaving eight dead, and 19 more injured.

"It is clear that we must combat the spiralling costs of local government," said Mr Byers "And if we can do that at a local level, so much the better. Let's be frank, it's annoying that anyone should have to vote any more than once every five years, and culling members of parish, city and county coucils through the use of heavily armed vigilantes, who will take their own lives before coming to court marks a cost saving in every department."

It is believed that any council seat held by someone slaughtered by a lonely gun-nut will be filled by an appointee from Westminster, saving the expense and wasted time of a by-election. A spokesman for the department said: "It is clear that in the future, murder will become one of the key performance indicators on which we shall judge any council. A council in fear for its life is more likely to be responsive to the needs of its constituents, and offer higher vertically-integrated advantages for greater all-round growth."

The move, however, has come in for criticism from the Opposition. Shadow Chancellor, Michael Howard met the press in the parlour of a Westminster brothel. Dressed in a velvet smoking jacket, dangling a cheroot rakishly from his twisted bottom lip, and gazing smoulderingly at the assembled hacks he said: "This is just another example of Labour trying to use the language of efficiency but the policies of rampant socialism. What guarantees have we that we are getting best value from our psychotics, against what are they to be benchmarked? That is where this green paper is dangerously quiet, and it is that which the British taxpayer will refuse to wear."

Referring to a 'nanny state', Mr Howard went on to call for public tendering for all positions as homicidal brain-jobs, with preferred bids coming from consortia made up of members of previous Tory cabinets, and other wealthy industrialists. "The success of private enterprise in our rail and tube systems, hospitals, gas, electricity and steel industries, all attest to the fact that this shouldn't be a cushy, nationalised butchery, but one carried out by the far more experienced members of the private sector. After all, who else is better-versed in blood-letting for profit?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, before sinking his fangs into a plump, young virgin.

The Yellow ones are on holiday. They like sausages.

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