Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I very much enjoyed this. You might, too...

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I sing this better now. This is back in October, when I wrote it for the Conservative Party Conference...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Occasionally, and with a heavy heart, I read Craigslist's adverts for writing jobs. Maybe, somewhere in amongst the 'great opportunities' to write free stuff for desolate websites there's the one. The big one. The perfect job.

Often these are pleas for 'writing partners', in which some witless talent-vacuum is looking for someone with discernible skills to take their half-baked pub thoughts and craft them into 'writing'. One that's there at the moment says: "I may have some good ideas but i need someone professional to wrap it out and make a good story." Yes, rather than a 'writing partner' you need a 'writer' to 'write' a story. Ideally whilst you look over their shoulder and mutter 'Brilliant!' in an astounded fashion, before pointing out that Howard shouldn't die until the next bit because you thought he should do something good with Marjorie, although you haven't quite worked out what.

The same advert I quoted earlier, however, also stopped me dead in my tracks. It contains the following sentence: "I am convinced if we are on the same frequency and share the same sense for humor we can change the shape of the earth forever!"

The shape of the Earth? The SHAPE of the Earth?

"I am convinced that if I get you to do my homework for me Newton's Second Law of Thermodynamics will be suspended, and we can stop the universe drifting to a cold, entropic end!"

Not any of its more malleable qualities, but the actual shape of the actual Earth. Forever. We shall ignore the plaintive cries of those who preferred the Earth in its old shape, as its new, highly irregular gravitational pull lets them drift further off into space each time they sneeze!

I couldn't email him a response fast enough, quite frankly...

(PS - It's here)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

It's the point in the evening where a real and palpable sense of self-loathing begins to hover behind you. You should, of course, be in bed. Any human should.

It's sad enough that's I'll sit up until absurd o'clock, working my way through bottles of red wine and swearing at the television for local British elections. I'm now watching returns for elections that are happening in another country. Except I'm not even doing that.

I'm watching primary results come in. Not Super Tuesday primaries, not primaries of a state that has a huge number of electoral college votes. New Hampshire primary results. Ones in which I do not care who wins.

Unfortunately, I'm addicted to those little bits of news showing that Hillary has an early lead with most of Manchester having reported, but that those districts yet to report the results of their counts were more likely to lean towards Obama. I don't find either candidate to my taste, but I love watching the numbers change, and seeing if her lead will hold. What will it mean if it does? What will it mean if it doesn't?

Right. That's it. I'm going to bed now.

(I will right after they hit 60% of districts reporting...)

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Chicken Yoghurt » You can take the boy out of the Hitler Youth, but…

Chicken Yoghurt » You can take the boy out of the Hitler Youth, but…

Chicken Yoghurt delightfully tears the Pope into millions of tiny pieces and stamps the remains into the ground. Sublime.

Friday, January 04, 2008

OK - this is very silly, but the more you visit my city, here, the more imaginary people come to live in it. If you have either the time or inclination do click and see what happens...