"Retards win Oscars, give me mine now!" says Crowe

During a press conference at which he wrestled a sheep to the ground today, Russel Crowe demanded that the Academy forgo its usual awards ceremony, in favour of just giving him the damned thing, and replace it with a documentary about how to drink beer.

The feisty Antipodean stood astride a podium, freshly sheared mutton in one hand, his Oscar from last year in the other. "Look, mates: Rain Man, My Left Foot, Forrest Gump, Scent of a Woman, and even As Good As it Fuckin' Gets, all of these had spazzers in on the understanding that they'd get the Oscar. I'm last year's Best Actor in a Leading Role, and this year I made the effort to pretend to be a duhrbrain in front of all my friends, so let's cut the crap, all right?"

The grizzled Australian, who expressed no surprise at how it snows at the wrong time of year in the northern hemisphere, and seemed unfazed by the direction water flowed out of his sink, says that they may as well chuck the whole thing now, and give it another go next year. He also demanded that the Academy award a post-dated Oscar to Richard Dreyfus for Whose Life is it Anyway, and cried when someone mentioned the whales.

Yahoo Serious had no comment.