Cheney offers Arafat olive branch

In a move today that looks likely to end all war in the Middle East, Vice-President of the USA Dick Cheney is preparing to offer an olive branch to the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. After a cycle of months of violence, this gives many hope that world peace could be achieved by Christmas.

The olive branch itself will have to be removed by Mr Arafat without using his hands from between Mr Cheney's clenched, naked buttocks, the currently favoured method in the international community is with his teeth. Nelson Mandela said: "Teeth. Definitely. They're the only way to go in a situation like this." A spokesman for the Vice-President said: "We see this as a very positive move. Yes, under the harsh lights of a press conference, sweat may well be an issue, but Mr Sharon's only stipulation is that there be no towels on hand to remove it. He's being very reasonable about the whole thing."

The White House press department rejected claims that the old man would have to pretend to have to enjoy nuzzling the Vice-President's hairy crack: "It would be quite unfeasible for us to expect Mr Cheney's heart to stand up to that sort of rectal attention. Mr Arafat will simply have to wear a T-shirt throughout the process, which reads 'I'm sorry I was wrong. So very, very wrong.'"

Dick Cheney has a nice smile. Sort of like a billionaire, beardless Santa.

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