There may be some of you who feel that you haven't seen enough of my flabby, white arse in your lives. There may be some of you who yearn for the opportunity to glimpse that pellucid pork-peach bouncing up and down on your television screens. I can only suggest that those of you seek immediate professional help, before you completely lose it in the middle of Sainsbury's and begin wedging whole Stiltons down your trousers, braying like a donkey, and attempting to climb into the frozen peas because "They're so lovely; so green and friendly..."

However, although I've not seen it, this DVD may well answer your prayers. Your my-bum prayers, containing, as it claims to, the Best of Tonightly. I like to think that my wobbling anus was one of the highlights.

Of course, it may not be on there at all, but you could look at my face on the front cover, and just imagine my bum. That's what I'll be doing this Christmas...

Tonightly DVD