Bored, Drunk and the State of the Union

President Bush just said: "We will not retreat from our doodies in the hope of a better life."

I am v amused.

And awaiting the anti-Iranian rhetoric...

"Democracies replace terror with hope..." And elect Hitler and Mussolini.

Apparently people from Lebanon to Egypt are 'debating the necessity of freedom'. Thank Goodness they are debating it. The outcome of that debate is of no interest, then. And how do you debate a necessity?

"The terrorists hope that [this]..will allow the violent to inherit the earth..." Hooray for America, promoting meekness on an international level.

Apparently America "liberated death camps", which was good. Those death camps just didn't have the freedom they needed to work effectively before. We shall not mention that all of the major Nazi concentration camps were in Eastern Europe, and were, on the whole reached by the Russians first.

Iraq has gone "from dictatorship...to national elections" In which they elected radical Shi-ites to government. Huzzah!

The decisions on how to operate in Iraq "will be taken by military commanders, not by politicians in Washington DC", which is comforting. At least those pesky elected officials won't have any impact on foreign policy.

"Second-guessing is not a strategy." Yes, it is. It is the strategy of second-guessing.

It's a good thing all these standing ovations give me time in which to type...

He's winking! He's just winked at the family of a soldier killed in Iraq! Why is he winking?

"So the United States supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East." And stands firm against it in Brazil, Chile and across Latin America. Oh, and in Palestine, where we demand that the elected government abandon the policies on which ti stood to get elected.

"Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps in reform...Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own" No, in the case of Saudi Arabia they will look like Islamic monarchies which have daily beheadings and limb removals in the nmiddle of Riyadh.

Hooray! Iran! "Tonight let me speak directly to the people of Iran", who are bound to be watching to State of The Union Address. "We respect your right to choose your own future." Unless you make a choice of which we disapprove.

"WE also show compassion abroad because states governed by poverty, corruption...are sources of terrorism." In short, the best way to get our attention is to blow some shit up. Compassion is an effective and deadly weapon in the war on terror.

"The terrorist surveillance programme has prevented terrorist attacks." Except the big ones. It did not prevent Sept 11th, but that does not alter its effectiveness. Oh no.

"The only alternative to American leadership is a dramatically more...dangerous world." Well, that comforts those of us living in the rest of the world. There is no alternative to America. There is no alternative to America. There is no alternative to America.

"An agenda for a nation that competes with confidence" except in the case of our steel and agricultural industries, which will be supported with massive subsidies.

He just got half a standing ovation on tax cuts. The Democrats are all sitting down, which is very funny to watch.

We will cut 140 programmes, and save $14 billion, that is 5% of the cost of the war in Iraq.

"We will stay on track to cut the deficit" which didn't exist before you were elected "in half by 2009" when you won't be President. We will only be running at half as much of a loss in five years' time.

"We need to put aside partisan politics and work together." You will all do as I say, otherwise you are just 'playing politics'.

"With open markets, no one can outproduce or outcompete the American worker." apart from China. And India. And, in high-tech industries, Russia. For the rest of us, we should probably just close our borders to American products then, if that's true.

Wow! Just the mention of 'affordable health care' got them standing. "For all Americans we must address the rising cost of care." Fixing the poor is not cost-effective, there'sa shitload of them.

Apparently 1500 American counties are without an ob-gyn department. Even Belgium has gynaecologists.

"22% increase in clean energy research" That's research. Not energy. We will not be funding clean energy, but research into it. Oh good. That'll fix the permafrost then. Note how i put the boot in even when he's saying things with which I, fundamentally, agree. Phew! It's just to not be reliant on the 75% oil imports from the Middle East, not to halt global warming.

Apparently in six years "we can make our reliance on Middle eastern oil a thing of the past". But...but...by then, you said they would all be forward-looking democracies. If that's going to happen why do we have to worry about being dependent on their lovely oil?

He is going to bring 30,000 math and science profesionals to work in classrooms. How? What are 'math professionals'? Carol Vorderman?

Drug education has brought about "a change in the culture of the country". Sex education, however, is the work of the devil.

"We must never give in to the belief...that our culture is doomed to unravel." Um...OK. I shan't. What does that mean, exactly? You know, just so that I can avoid believing it, if it ever comes up.

He is asking Congress to ban the "creation of human-animal hybrids." I may have fallen asleep and woken up in a bad sci-fi novel. The rising tide of human-animal hybrids threatens the very fabric of what we call a society. Roving gangs of dog-men urinate on our fire hydrants, endangering members of our emergancy services and causing unpleasant odours. Innocent children are stolen by the birdpeople, who regurgitate them to feed their evil young. We must take a stand against hamster-folk, who store much-needed welfare dollars in their capacious cheeks, leading to spiralling indolence and an increase in violent crime.

We must battle AIDS. We must not promote condom use. We will spent $85 billion on this utterly clear and consistent policy.

He has just compared himself to Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Franklin Roosevelt. "Before history is written in books, it is written in courage." Before that, God tells it to me. Before that Jesus whispers it to God.

And to think, all this started with an amusing pronunciation of the word 'duties'... Ho hum.