Oh, those terrorists...

I hate politics. I hate blogs about politics even more.

However, you may have missed the story last Friday about how the police in Pendle foiled a massive terrorist plot. The largest haul ever made of bomb components was made, with seized materials including rocket launchers, chemicals, and a nuclear biological suit.

You may have missed it because it was reported by precisely zero national news outlets. Why was this? Why is the charging of terrorists being overlooked, precisely when we need to know most about them?

Maybe it's because they're not Muslims. Unfortunately, these were just BNP terrorists (one of whom stood for the local Council in the May elections). As we all know, white terrorists aren't news. They are disgruntled citizens who were a little overzealous.

Am I being too cynical?

Make your own mind up here.

My Lighthouse

For those I haven't pestered into hatred already, my play 'My Lighthouse' will be on Radio 2 on Thursday night (12th October). You can listen to it online, or through your radiogram set. It will be broadcast as part of Mark Radcliffe's programme between 10:30 and midnight.

Prime time, baby!

More information here.

Liveblogging some liveblogging

Yes, prepare yourself from some... META-LIVEBLOGGING of this!

10.59

Bored. Drunk. Wife is in bed. The choice is masturbating whilst watching Question Time or masturbating whilst reading people's blogs. Piers Morgan is on Question Time, I'll go to the blogs.

Stephen has the picture of him in the leather jacket up again. No masturbating tonight.

11.00

Stephen's fatuous prose style and smug ignoring of the fact that he campaigned for Labour in the 1997 election send me to the kitchen for more wine.

I decide to bring the box (yes, so?) back in with me to save any more walking.

11.12

Stephen agrees with Kenneth Clarke that Iraq is the 'biggest foreign policy disaster of the twentieth century'. Neither of them have realised we are living in the 21st century.

11.15

Stephen swears. I pour more wine.

11.20

Stephen again quotes Jenny Tonge. He must be the only person who can see her behind the flailing arms of Piers Morgan and Jack Straw. Or gives two fucks what she thinks. It's not only Lib Dem councillors who can swear.

11.24

Stephen rants. Maybe he's drunk, too.

11.32

I have succumbed (and succame all over the sofa) and have left comments. I have become tainted. End this.

11.40

No one is responding to my ever-more-witty and pertinent comments. Maybe they are all in bed.

11.59

Yes, they are all in bed. Stupid fucking Liberals.

Marsipan!

I made this

Or, more accurately, I made the voices and the words in this. Other, cleverer people made all of the other bits. Other bits such as making the whole thing work and all of the bits you can see.

Still, watch and be amused...

Booby Traps

This has one of my favourite jokes of all time in it. Watch it, you'll know which one...

Neil Young has decided that George Bush is Bad

And this is why. My favourite question is: 'You have a song on this album called "Let's Impeach the President". What is it about?'

Jesus P.I.

More Insult to Injury madness. Enjoy Jesus, Private Investigator, wiping the filth off the mean streets of the East End with his faithful sidekick Muggsy, miracles, and ten-gallon hat. Ooh yeah!

What Price Freedom?

Damn that Mainstream Media!

Absurdly, yesterday, Howard Kurtz wrote: "But sometimes the unrelenting violence has a way of intruding on the news agenda." Since when has unrelenting violence not been news, just something that intrudes on the news? Since when have reporters decided that it's a shame that they reluctantly have to report the events of the day, even if they are unrelentingly violent?

Pesky news, always intruding on the news agenda...Grrr...

Worried about The Rapture?

Ever felt the chasms of despair yawn for you when starting on an ambitious project (a conversion, a regrouting or some good old-fashioned stoning, say) only to be stricken by the knowledge that it might all be for naught? That, at any moment, the First Seal could be broken, the Pale Rider could stalk the Earth, and the Second Coming would interrupt whatever it was you were in the middle of? After all, who wants to go to all the trouble of washing one of a leper's feet only for no good to come of it?

Worry no more! There is an actual website which can help you! The Rapture Index tells us that, as of March 20th, the Rapture Index stands at 156. That's pretty damned rapturesome!

Haymaker

You are one of life’s enjoyers, determined to get the most you can out of your brief spell on Earth. Probably what first attracted you to atheism was the prospect of liberation from the Ten Commandments, few of which are compatible with a life of pleasure. You play hard and work quite hard, have a strong sense of loyalty and a relaxed but consistent approach to your philosophy.


You can’t see the point of abstract principles and probably wouldn’t lay down your life for a concept though you might for a friend. Something of a champagne humanist, you admire George Bernard Shaw for his cheerful agnosticism and pursuit of sensual rewards and your Hollywood hero is Marlon Brando, who was beautiful, irascible and aimed for goodness in his own tortured way.


Sometimes you might be tempted to allow your own pleasures to take precedence over your ethics. But everyone is striving for that elusive balance between the good and the happy life. You’d probably open another bottle and say there’s no contest.

What kind of humanist are you? Click here to find out.

Please, someone, explain...

In this article, a number of practical jokes played by a nurse are decribed. One of these was her drawing a smiley face on the hernia of an MRSA patient. I am confused.

How does one draw a smiley face on a hernia? What sort of pen do you use? How do you display the smiley face to other people for the full amusing effect? How do you get an MRSA patient to stay still for long enough to draw a smiley face on their hernia?

Any answers in the comments pot, please...

Steelers Fanatics

Bored, Drunk and the State of the Union

President Bush just said: "We will not retreat from our doodies in the hope of a better life."

I am v amused.

And awaiting the anti-Iranian rhetoric...

"Democracies replace terror with hope..." And elect Hitler and Mussolini.

Apparently people from Lebanon to Egypt are 'debating the necessity of freedom'. Thank Goodness they are debating it. The outcome of that debate is of no interest, then. And how do you debate a necessity?

"The terrorists hope that [this]..will allow the violent to inherit the earth..." Hooray for America, promoting meekness on an international level.

Apparently America "liberated death camps", which was good. Those death camps just didn't have the freedom they needed to work effectively before. We shall not mention that all of the major Nazi concentration camps were in Eastern Europe, and were, on the whole reached by the Russians first.

Iraq has gone "from dictatorship...to national elections" In which they elected radical Shi-ites to government. Huzzah!

The decisions on how to operate in Iraq "will be taken by military commanders, not by politicians in Washington DC", which is comforting. At least those pesky elected officials won't have any impact on foreign policy.

"Second-guessing is not a strategy." Yes, it is. It is the strategy of second-guessing.

It's a good thing all these standing ovations give me time in which to type...

He's winking! He's just winked at the family of a soldier killed in Iraq! Why is he winking?

"So the United States supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East." And stands firm against it in Brazil, Chile and across Latin America. Oh, and in Palestine, where we demand that the elected government abandon the policies on which ti stood to get elected.

"Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps in reform...Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own" No, in the case of Saudi Arabia they will look like Islamic monarchies which have daily beheadings and limb removals in the nmiddle of Riyadh.

Hooray! Iran! "Tonight let me speak directly to the people of Iran", who are bound to be watching to State of The Union Address. "We respect your right to choose your own future." Unless you make a choice of which we disapprove.

"WE also show compassion abroad because states governed by poverty, corruption...are sources of terrorism." In short, the best way to get our attention is to blow some shit up. Compassion is an effective and deadly weapon in the war on terror.

"The terrorist surveillance programme has prevented terrorist attacks." Except the big ones. It did not prevent Sept 11th, but that does not alter its effectiveness. Oh no.

"The only alternative to American leadership is a dramatically more...dangerous world." Well, that comforts those of us living in the rest of the world. There is no alternative to America. There is no alternative to America. There is no alternative to America.

"An agenda for a nation that competes with confidence" except in the case of our steel and agricultural industries, which will be supported with massive subsidies.

He just got half a standing ovation on tax cuts. The Democrats are all sitting down, which is very funny to watch.

We will cut 140 programmes, and save $14 billion, that is 5% of the cost of the war in Iraq.

"We will stay on track to cut the deficit" which didn't exist before you were elected "in half by 2009" when you won't be President. We will only be running at half as much of a loss in five years' time.

"We need to put aside partisan politics and work together." You will all do as I say, otherwise you are just 'playing politics'.

"With open markets, no one can outproduce or outcompete the American worker." apart from China. And India. And, in high-tech industries, Russia. For the rest of us, we should probably just close our borders to American products then, if that's true.

Wow! Just the mention of 'affordable health care' got them standing. "For all Americans we must address the rising cost of care." Fixing the poor is not cost-effective, there'sa shitload of them.

Apparently 1500 American counties are without an ob-gyn department. Even Belgium has gynaecologists.

"22% increase in clean energy research" That's research. Not energy. We will not be funding clean energy, but research into it. Oh good. That'll fix the permafrost then. Note how i put the boot in even when he's saying things with which I, fundamentally, agree. Phew! It's just to not be reliant on the 75% oil imports from the Middle East, not to halt global warming.

Apparently in six years "we can make our reliance on Middle eastern oil a thing of the past". But...but...by then, you said they would all be forward-looking democracies. If that's going to happen why do we have to worry about being dependent on their lovely oil?

He is going to bring 30,000 math and science profesionals to work in classrooms. How? What are 'math professionals'? Carol Vorderman?

Drug education has brought about "a change in the culture of the country". Sex education, however, is the work of the devil.

"We must never give in to the belief...that our culture is doomed to unravel." Um...OK. I shan't. What does that mean, exactly? You know, just so that I can avoid believing it, if it ever comes up.

He is asking Congress to ban the "creation of human-animal hybrids." I may have fallen asleep and woken up in a bad sci-fi novel. The rising tide of human-animal hybrids threatens the very fabric of what we call a society. Roving gangs of dog-men urinate on our fire hydrants, endangering members of our emergancy services and causing unpleasant odours. Innocent children are stolen by the birdpeople, who regurgitate them to feed their evil young. We must take a stand against hamster-folk, who store much-needed welfare dollars in their capacious cheeks, leading to spiralling indolence and an increase in violent crime.

We must battle AIDS. We must not promote condom use. We will spent $85 billion on this utterly clear and consistent policy.

He has just compared himself to Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Franklin Roosevelt. "Before history is written in books, it is written in courage." Before that, God tells it to me. Before that Jesus whispers it to God.

And to think, all this started with an amusing pronunciation of the word 'duties'... Ho hum.