Today I had my wife scanned. I have spent the afternoon gazing misty-eyed at a grainy picture of the parasitic proto-human who seems to have established residence inside her.

Herbert Hoover said that children are our 'greatest natural asset'. I think he was suggesting that we melt them down for their valuable proteins...

  

Oh, those terrorists...

I hate politics. I hate blogs about politics even more.

However, you may have missed the story last Friday about how the police in Pendle foiled a massive terrorist plot. The largest haul ever made of bomb components was made, with seized materials including rocket launchers, chemicals, and a nuclear biological suit.

You may have missed it because it was reported by precisely zero national news outlets. Why was this? Why is the charging of terrorists being overlooked, precisely when we need to know most about them?

Maybe it's because they're not Muslims. Unfortunately, these were just BNP terrorists (one of whom stood for the local Council in the May elections). As we all know, white terrorists aren't news. They are disgruntled citizens who were a little overzealous.

Am I being too cynical?

Make your own mind up here.

My Lighthouse

For those I haven't pestered into hatred already, my play 'My Lighthouse' will be on Radio 2 on Thursday night (12th October). You can listen to it online, or through your radiogram set. It will be broadcast as part of Mark Radcliffe's programme between 10:30 and midnight.

Prime time, baby!

More information here.

Liveblogging some liveblogging

Yes, prepare yourself from some... META-LIVEBLOGGING of this!

10.59

Bored. Drunk. Wife is in bed. The choice is masturbating whilst watching Question Time or masturbating whilst reading people's blogs. Piers Morgan is on Question Time, I'll go to the blogs.

Stephen has the picture of him in the leather jacket up again. No masturbating tonight.

11.00

Stephen's fatuous prose style and smug ignoring of the fact that he campaigned for Labour in the 1997 election send me to the kitchen for more wine.

I decide to bring the box (yes, so?) back in with me to save any more walking.

11.12

Stephen agrees with Kenneth Clarke that Iraq is the 'biggest foreign policy disaster of the twentieth century'. Neither of them have realised we are living in the 21st century.

11.15

Stephen swears. I pour more wine.

11.20

Stephen again quotes Jenny Tonge. He must be the only person who can see her behind the flailing arms of Piers Morgan and Jack Straw. Or gives two fucks what she thinks. It's not only Lib Dem councillors who can swear.

11.24

Stephen rants. Maybe he's drunk, too.

11.32

I have succumbed (and succame all over the sofa) and have left comments. I have become tainted. End this.

11.40

No one is responding to my ever-more-witty and pertinent comments. Maybe they are all in bed.

11.59

Yes, they are all in bed. Stupid fucking Liberals.

Marsipan!

I made this

Or, more accurately, I made the voices and the words in this. Other, cleverer people made all of the other bits. Other bits such as making the whole thing work and all of the bits you can see.

Still, watch and be amused...

Booby Traps

This has one of my favourite jokes of all time in it. Watch it, you'll know which one...

Neil Young has decided that George Bush is Bad

And this is why. My favourite question is: 'You have a song on this album called "Let's Impeach the President". What is it about?'

Jesus P.I.

More Insult to Injury madness. Enjoy Jesus, Private Investigator, wiping the filth off the mean streets of the East End with his faithful sidekick Muggsy, miracles, and ten-gallon hat. Ooh yeah!

What Price Freedom?