My Other Life

I recently started another blog (yes, I know...) to cover all of my work stuff. It has me pimping various things I've done, and thoughts about comedy and writing. The political / funny / imaginary things will remain here.

If you'd like to read the other why not go over to the site and click on Blog. I'd love to see you there.

Metaphorically. If I go to the site and it is actually just a picture of you I wouldn't love that. Iwouldn't love that at all.

Sue Reid & Me...

So, Sue Reid has written a poorly-researched, vindictive piece based more on her personal perjudices than on, you know, truth in today's Daily Mail? It doesn't surprise me. I helped her do the same thing once.

I don't have time to blog about it properly (although I may try to over the weekend), but here's the article I wrote for The Guardian about it in either 1999 or 2000. It originally appeared in G2 in May of 1999 (or, perhaps, 2000. I can't remember, it was a while ago...).

Please excuse the terrible prose. I was young. I liked words...

Sue Reid & Me...

Why They Call Us The Blues

In honour of the Conservative Party conference (and because Comedybox have apparently lost last year's version down the back of the Internet), here's my little tribute from 2007:

The Battley-Tapley Christmas Letter 2008

Well, what a year 2008's been in the Battley-Tapley household! There have been tears, joy, and laughter for us, unlike for those of you from whom we haven't received a Christmas letter: whose lives we can only assume have been utterly eventless.

The big news, of course, this year, is that it looks like Natt's alcoholism is finally under control. In the past few months we have been able to visit bars, restaurants, and zoos with relative confidence. Not since August has he jumped onto a dessert trolley and started smearing himself with Black Forest Gateau, or improperly fondled a koala. We pray that his progress continues through 2009, and the courts agree to remove his tag at his hearing in April!

Zoe's ongoing course of botox and regenerative gene therapy has really kicked her career up a few notches, and she is now appearing as 'a human statue' in Covent Garden, no less! She isn't enjoying the commute, and her ongoing feud with one of the fire jugglers has caused some problems, but she struggles on, and hopes to be promoted to the South Bank soon!

2008 also saw the birth of our fourth child, Enrique, who was taken away by bailiffs because of the credit crunch.

Still, let's not get ahead of ourselves. There's nothing worse than a Christmas letter that is anything but completely thorough, so here we go...

JANUARY saw the slaughter of Amanda, our pig. We hated to have to do it, but she was looking very old and tasty. Seeing Eleanor playing in the warm entrails of the sow that had once suckled her (during Zoe's post-natal depression) was really special, and emphasised how lucky we are to have a daughter and some delicious sausages.

FEBRUARY was a difficult month, that saw Zoe convicted of a 'road rage'. To clarify, because there have been a lot of falsehoods disseminated about this incident in the press, Zoe was not naked at the time. She was wearing a hat, and a bandolier full of ammunition.

MARCH was a very proud month, as Eleanor won the Nobel Prize for Physics for her work on the Planck scale, and quantum fluctuations in space-time. She also got her Grade 3 Oboe (no distinction this time), and a 25 metre swimming badge.

APRIL saw our annual hibernation. It was perhaps our most successful hibernation since 1996.

MAY was the month in which Natt's one-man show, an adaptation of Hamlet,with Natt doing all of the voices took to the stage - or should we say, the pavement! Eschewing fusty traditional venues, One Man Hamlet was an exciting experiment in open air theatre: a performance without the gaudy appurtenances of lighting, costumes, or an audience. In a rave review, Westminster Council called it 'a public nuisance'.

JUNE saw Eleanor complete the first leg of her around-the-world tricycle ride. Unfortunately, her record-breaking attempt had to be cut short when she was accosted by a group of road-pirates in the Urals, and was sold into white slavery. She smuggled her way back into Britain in a Somalian's stomach.

JULY failed to produce any notable events for our family. We think that this is probably July's fault, and have decided not to participate in July in 2009.

AUGUST was the month in which the Olympic fever gripped the country. Zoe's stalwart efforts in the pole vault won her a nomination as BBC Sports Personality of the Year, and a ruptured vagina. The heroic way in which she limped from the field, and gamely applied ice and bandages to her crotch won the nation's hearts.

SEPTEMBER, as ever, was an exciting time, as Zoe's birthday party loomed. Once again, the party guests were treated to a torrent of personal abuse, watered-down alcohol, and the sight of Zoe staring drink-sodden into a mirror, clawing at her face and weeping: 'Where did it all go so very wrong.' Great fun!

OCTOBER was the month in which Eleanor finally made us very proud grandparents. After 15 long months, she provided us with a grandson, Patrice. Her boyfriend, Malcolm, works at an abattoir, sweeping up blood, but this will only be true whilst he is on remand, after which he plans to train as a teacher. We would have preferred it if they were married, but Malcolm already has a wife and four children, so we understand why they thought that it would be both inappropriate and illegal.

NOVEMBER saw Natt back in prison, the victim, yet again, of mistaken identity. Once again, we would appeal for anyone who has seen the violent, drunken groper of women and animals who just happens to share Natt's name and face and DNA to come forward. Your evidence could be vital.

DECEMBER isn't even finished yet, and already we know it's going to be the best Christmas ever. The family portraits in the attic grow ever more demented and hideous, which can only augur well for the new year!

Natt and Zoe and Eleanor and Patrice wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy 2009. Have a wonderfully festive period.

Love,

N, Z & E
x

I'll be in the Channel 4 show, Tonightly, from August 1st to 22nd. If you'd like to watch, it's on after Big Brother.

My Chortle Review

Laughing Horse New Act Final 2008' review : Chortle : The UK Comedy Guide

Nathaniel Tapley is an actorly character turn very much similar in style to Al Murray’s loud, declamatory performance – not to mention his ill-thought-out right-wing opinions derived from his many psychological, emotional and social failings. In fact, this rabid Tory boy would probably see the Pub Landlord as some sort of namby-pamby liberal.

His veins throb and his eyes bulge as he harrumphs his way through his personal manifesto against political correctness. He’s imperialistic, homophobic and sexist – and very, very funny. The comically exaggerated opinions crystalise into wonderful one-liners, including a gag about his ‘handicapped boy’ that was the best single joke of the night. There are a couple of formulaic lines in the mix, but they are done with such panache that it matters little. A powerhouse performance, and funny with it.

Right - things are really kicking off over at The Podcasts of Charles Dickens. And by 'kicking off', I mean, occurring quite slowly and with no one noticing. Oh yeah...

Dickens, eh?

He's the one who writes incredibly long, boring books which everyone has to read at school, right? Wrong, he's only one of the funniest writers ever to have used the English language. And that's including me.

So? I really can't be bothered to read books. They're so...old.

Ha! That's why I've decided to jump on one of the irrational urges I've been harbouring for a while, and turn the complete works of Charles Dickens into podcasts, so you'll have no excuse not to download them, listen to them and laugh. Or, for the full Victorian experience, contract tuberculosis, laugh, and die.

The Podcasts of Charles Dickens - a shit-sight more fun than the podcasts of Anthony Trollope. Oh yeah!


For those of you (this means you, Mike) who are interested, the test posting is up now here. This, however, is just the prefaces, we're not started yet. Coming soon - The Old Curiosity Shop, Chapter One...

Please leave comments to let me know what you think...