Morris Day

Morning.
I’m sick as a bad goat, and there’s something wrong with my faec-hole. It’s got the red, and my mouth smells like an Al-Qaeda..
The ‘phone is terrible at me for a second. Then it stops. It repeats this procedure seven or eight times, whilst I stand quacking like a broken Toby trying to work out which handle is the good one.
When it stops for good, I realise that this is going to be a Morris-day. Morris-days are the worst.
The answering machine is cross with me. “Where the fuck are you?” it says. I tell it I am at home. It doesn’t seem to care or even listen. I take comfort in the fact that, if it came to a fight, I would win.
The answering machine tells me that everyone in the office is waiting for me. I don’t think this can be true. Even if it were, I don’t see how the answering machine would know.
They say that a man’s reach should exceed his grasp. This explains why giraffes are rubbish at everything.
The answering machine is giving me the silent treatment now, and I wonder if I should buy it a present.
Later on, when I am at the place, I become aware of a young woman mouthing gummy platitudes at me, face as big as old plate. I decide to tell her about my answering machine, but she thinks I am funny and continues squirting out her horrid word-wrong.
I hate Morris Days...

9th October 2005:

With immediate effect, the author of this blog will be known as ChevalburgerTM Nathaniel Tapley. ChevalburgerTM is made from prime cuts of fresh beast, gently killed and moulded into quarter-pound patties. Ideal to eat on the hoof! It may not be the dog's bollocks, but it's certainly something's...

What makes ChevalburgerTM Nathaniel Tapley so funny?

It's the horse of course!

See more at this month's Out of Vaudeville on Sunday, 16th October at The Sound Theatre, Leicester Square...

The Cross of St George

Imagine the scene:

"Nice flags you're hanging out there, Heinrich."

"Why, thank you, Hans."

"Except, if you don't mind me saying so, they appear to be covered in swastikas."

"That's right, Hans."

"But isn't the swastika a symbol of bigotry and racism and a reminder of one of the most shameful periods of our recent history?"

"That's where you're wrong, Hans. The swastika is an ancient Vedic symbol, usually assumed to represent the sun. I'm reclaiming it from the racists."

"Oh. But isn't the red background also typical of the National Socialist stylings of that very symbol?"

"Not at all, Hans. I wish to express my sympathy for the original, socialistic aims of the Munich Workers' Party, as expressed in the Fourteen Points, resolved in 1919. That the symbol was later appropriated by a fascist clique is all the more reason for those of us who truly believe in a socialist Germany to hang out the swastikas."

"I see. Do you not feel that it might be construed by some to be a little insensitive?"

"Not at all. Those people are namby-pamby liberals with no sense of national pride. They should probably be gassed to death."

"Thank you, Heinrich. That's all very clear to me now."

Blogtastic!

Both of the people who look at this site (one of them being me) will have realised that it hasn't been updated in quite some time.

Never fear! There are lots of new blogs for you to look at, all of which are filled with comedy goodness...

For instance, there's Insult to Injury's new blog, The Worlds of Nathaniel and Tobias, OverREADINGS and I Hate Culture. Although, you never know, I may post the highlights here is you're all very good...

You'll like this...not a lot!

Some of you know that I perform comedy. Some of you know that performing comedy ocasionally means performing in variety-type shows with all sorts of interesting people. Some of these interesting people are wizards.

That's right.

Sometimes, when the compere says: "We're going to have a quick break now, and when we come back: a lecture on 21st -century sorcery!" he isn't, in the slightest way, shitting you. Some people would find it tactless to see the lecturer backstage and tell him what a good concept for an act you think he's got, only to meet the stony glares of the truly insane. Some of you should have been at Oh! Arts in Bethnal green tonight.

"Hello, my name's Professor Doctor David Devereux, and I'm a practising magician."

There will be no comedy tonight, my children. There will be, instead, a large man with a thin strip of a beard telling you about how 'certain parts of the magic fraternity will do anything to impress' and a Powerpoint presentation on sigils. Oh yes, a Powerpoint presentation on sigils.

What is a sigil? (slide of the word 'sigil' written in big red letter on a bklack background) A sigil is just a symbol to which we attach a concept (many slides of logos and heiroglyphs) And what's the best way to get into the right frame of mind for dealing with sigils? And, before you say it, I know many magical traditionalists are going to get very upset about this...(slide with 'WANKING AND FUCKING' on it).

Other highlights included the lines: "By the time you leave here tonight each of you will be able to raise his right hand." and "Most people think of this as a radical offshoot of the eighties' Chaos Magic Movement". No, David. Most people don't. "Sigils dealt with this way will work fine for smaller things, apart from curses." No explanation given.

Come to our show on Friday instead. It'll be better, promise...

Cover Bands I'd love to see #1

Test Your brains!

...with my lovely movie quiz.

I'm going to give you ten pairs of to films. You're going to provide one extra film for each pair, which contains an actor from each.

For example: Heathers - Love Actually; acceptable answers would be Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Christian Slater (Heathers) and Alan Rickman (Love Actually)) or...erm...or one of the others....

Use of the IMDB is most definitely cheating, answers in the comments box (extra marks will be awarded for ingenuity). There probably won't be a prize, except knowing that you are cleverer than me. Or I might get you a drink...

Here goes:

1) Bugsy Malone - Tomorrow Never Dies
2) Bedazzled - Chinatown
3) Batman (1966) - Die Hard
4) Batman (1966) - Mission: Impossible II
5) Batman (1966) - The Manchurian Candidate
6) Batman (1966) - Rooster Cogburn
7) Starsky and Hutch - ID4: Independence Day
8) Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Out of Africa
9) Zoolander - Lair of the White Worm
10) Citizen Kane - Gigli

Good luck!

Gratuitous self-promotion

Buy goods with my face on! Just think, I could be on your pants this evening. Yes, there's Insult to Injury merchandise available. Some of it's quite sexy. And it will make me richer if you buy it. Buy it.

BUY IT!

There are three different St. Valentines...

Each and every one's a fucking martyr.

So, as you mouth the platitudes your latest prop against self-sufficiency wants to hear mumbled across the pillow this morning, remember this:

1) Married people get more cancer. Nuns and eunuchs have the lowest rates of cervical and prostate cancer recorded (there are no recorded cass of prostate cancer in eunuchs). These people don't tend to be married.

2) One of you will die first. And they'll probably wait until you're old and incapable to do it. The nurses might change your nappies, and wipe the mashed potato from your chin, but they're not going to fellate you the way you really like. Constantly.

3) It's a statistical improbablity that you're soulmates. There are 7 billion people in the world. If we each get one soulmate, you're probably not even on the right continent. Chances are, yours is Chinese.

4) You can name ten people more attractive than the one you're spending today with. And if you can't, I will. Unless you are David E. Kelley.

5) It's not going to last. After all, none of the others have.

Happy Valentine's Day, you lucky, lucky bastards...

Your new, soaraway, broadsheet Sun!

We love it.