Chicken Yoghurt » You can take the boy out of the Hitler Youth, but…

Chicken Yoghurt » You can take the boy out of the Hitler Youth, but…

Chicken Yoghurt delightfully tears the Pope into millions of tiny pieces and stamps the remains into the ground. Sublime.

OK - this is very silly, but the more you visit my city, here, the more imaginary people come to live in it. If you have either the time or inclination do click and see what happens...

Yes, it's that time of year again. No sooner does an important traditional religious holiday roll around than the PC-brigade feel the need to strip-mine it of its original significance, just so's no-one's feeling get upset. Fuck that.

For many years now, it's become unfashionable to talk of Geola, as Muslims, atheists, and Christians have all attacked our traditional holiday. It is the Christians who have the most gall of all, daring to attach the name of some first-century Palestinian to a once-proud British festival. 'Yule' I can live with, despite its being a continental bastardisation of our British pronunciation 'Geola', but 'Christmas' is just wrong. You even have to mispronounce 'Christ' to say it.

It's important that we remember that Geola isn't just about family and friendship, it is also about the ritual human sacrifice of male slaves, once every nine years. When was the last time any of our loony local councils allowed this traditional practice? Once again the feminazis and Health and Safety Ceaucescus have stamped their grubby little Christian boots over our heritage.

Just think of what we have lost because of our spineless governing elites. Where once we swore fealty on the back of our best boar, loud enough for the god Freyr to hear, before slaughtering it and spending 12 days eating its carcass; now we have dried-up turkey and Iceland breaded prawns.

What is perhaps most disturbing is the way in which the Christian brigade have felt free to take the bits of our festival they liked (the decorated tree, the holly, the mistletoe, the Yule log, gammon), and pretend that our holiday has nothing to do with our traditional celebrations of the death of winter. They even crow about it!

When Pope Gregory wrote to St Mellitus as he came to convert the Britons, he instructed him not to change too many of the details of our festivities, but just the god they were worshipping. Such blatant contempt for our pagan heritage is, quite frankly, frightening, and yet another example of what happens when you let immigrants from the EU roam willy-nilly, preaching their message of hate.

The fact that our once proud Joulenpukki, who came to distribute presents to good children and devour the bones of bad ones has been forced in many government depictions to take off his robe of rotting goat hides and wear instead a red coat is surely shame enough. Now, his belly shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly, rather than rattling with the femurs of naughty children. Will we never learn?

The really scary thing is that, by the Back To The Future scale, we are way closer to the world of Back To The Future II (2015), than that of Back To The Future (1985)... We live in what I thought was going to be the distant future.

We'd better get auto-clothes and hoverboards pretty damned quickly...

Guardian Unlimited: Arts blog - books: Catch of the day: Books in blog form: "the DIY jackanory style of the Charles Dickens podcasts, as read by the typically Dickensian Nathaniel Tapley."

Excellent. I love being typically Dickensian.

Now, I must go and evict some orphans...

For those who have a Paypal account, and believe that writers should be compensated when studios exploit their creations for money, I'd advise going to United Hollywood, and sending a box of pencils. With the exchange rate being what it is, it will cost you all of 50p, and is something constructive that people on this side of the Atlantic can do to show their appreciation of the work of writers in America.

For those who want to know a little more, before jumping to show their solidarity with Hollywood media types, here are some informative videos...





And for a gratuitous John Oliver appearance...



And let's face it: without American television we'd all be forced to watch Sold and Doc Martin for all eternity...

Yes, Messrs Amis and Hitchens, you're right. It is their culture that is 'mediaeval'...

Huzzah! All of our sketches are now up at ComedyBox, you can find them hidden in my 'comic profile', here. Please go, watch, and give them many stars, and add them to your Favourite Things, if you feel so inclined. Thank you all, and we'll see you soon...

For those whom I have not yet pestered to so do, please watch this. Then click on lots of stars and watch it again. Then tell your friends.

If you'd like...

***Update - All references in the post below to John McDonnell MP are actually to John Hutton. I feel an utter fool for having written in haste without having bothered to go back and check to see if I remembered the facts correctly, particularly as I quite like Mr McDonnell. I apologise to Mr McDonnell, and wish him nothing but good things. Sorry, all.***

I think the most dispiriting thing I saw during a thoroughly disheartening conference season was Andrew Neill's interview with John McDonnell at the Labour Party conference. Andrew Neill - who looks more like an inflamed testicle with every week that passes on This Week - pressed Mr McDonnell on why there were 'still' 5 million people on incapacity benefit.

Mr McDonnell responded by pointing out, with some pride, that this was 1 million fewer people than had been receiving it in 1997. These exchanges continued for some time, one suggesting that too many people were on incapacity benefit, and the other saying that there were fewer than there used to be, and that the government was working to ensure that there would be fewer in the future.

Did I miss the moment at which it stopped being the correct response to Andrew Neill's question to tell him that there might be 5 million people on incapacity benefit, because there are 5 million people in need of incapacity benefit. The fact that a Labour minister accepted the implications of those questions - that no one really needs incapacity benefit, and it is government's job to not give it to people - without question is a worrying sign of how far we have drifted into a neo-liberal dreamworld over the last 30 years.

The fact that it has become taboo for Labour ministers to suggest that some people need to receive incapacity benefit because they are ill, or because their family circumstances do not allow them to work; to suggest that the welfare system in Britain was established precisely because some people needed to take advantage of it, and the rest of society decided that one should not be penalised for being unfortunate became more and more depressing as it sank.

There will always be the ill, those whose families are breaking up, those who have been made redundant, the disabled. Government cannot solve all of a society's ills. What it can do is support those in need, help them when they need help, and to try to ensure that misfortune does not become lasting misery.

That's what he could have said. Adding: "...you brutal, callous millionaire, Andrew."