Steelers Fanatics

Bored, Drunk and the State of the Union

President Bush just said: "We will not retreat from our doodies in the hope of a better life."

I am v amused.

And awaiting the anti-Iranian rhetoric...

"Democracies replace terror with hope..." And elect Hitler and Mussolini.

Apparently people from Lebanon to Egypt are 'debating the necessity of freedom'. Thank Goodness they are debating it. The outcome of that debate is of no interest, then. And how do you debate a necessity?

"The terrorists hope that [this]..will allow the violent to inherit the earth..." Hooray for America, promoting meekness on an international level.

Apparently America "liberated death camps", which was good. Those death camps just didn't have the freedom they needed to work effectively before. We shall not mention that all of the major Nazi concentration camps were in Eastern Europe, and were, on the whole reached by the Russians first.

Iraq has gone "from dictatorship...to national elections" In which they elected radical Shi-ites to government. Huzzah!

The decisions on how to operate in Iraq "will be taken by military commanders, not by politicians in Washington DC", which is comforting. At least those pesky elected officials won't have any impact on foreign policy.

"Second-guessing is not a strategy." Yes, it is. It is the strategy of second-guessing.

It's a good thing all these standing ovations give me time in which to type...

He's winking! He's just winked at the family of a soldier killed in Iraq! Why is he winking?

"So the United States supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East." And stands firm against it in Brazil, Chile and across Latin America. Oh, and in Palestine, where we demand that the elected government abandon the policies on which ti stood to get elected.

"Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps in reform...Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own" No, in the case of Saudi Arabia they will look like Islamic monarchies which have daily beheadings and limb removals in the nmiddle of Riyadh.

Hooray! Iran! "Tonight let me speak directly to the people of Iran", who are bound to be watching to State of The Union Address. "We respect your right to choose your own future." Unless you make a choice of which we disapprove.

"WE also show compassion abroad because states governed by poverty, corruption...are sources of terrorism." In short, the best way to get our attention is to blow some shit up. Compassion is an effective and deadly weapon in the war on terror.

"The terrorist surveillance programme has prevented terrorist attacks." Except the big ones. It did not prevent Sept 11th, but that does not alter its effectiveness. Oh no.

"The only alternative to American leadership is a dramatically more...dangerous world." Well, that comforts those of us living in the rest of the world. There is no alternative to America. There is no alternative to America. There is no alternative to America.

"An agenda for a nation that competes with confidence" except in the case of our steel and agricultural industries, which will be supported with massive subsidies.

He just got half a standing ovation on tax cuts. The Democrats are all sitting down, which is very funny to watch.

We will cut 140 programmes, and save $14 billion, that is 5% of the cost of the war in Iraq.

"We will stay on track to cut the deficit" which didn't exist before you were elected "in half by 2009" when you won't be President. We will only be running at half as much of a loss in five years' time.

"We need to put aside partisan politics and work together." You will all do as I say, otherwise you are just 'playing politics'.

"With open markets, no one can outproduce or outcompete the American worker." apart from China. And India. And, in high-tech industries, Russia. For the rest of us, we should probably just close our borders to American products then, if that's true.

Wow! Just the mention of 'affordable health care' got them standing. "For all Americans we must address the rising cost of care." Fixing the poor is not cost-effective, there'sa shitload of them.

Apparently 1500 American counties are without an ob-gyn department. Even Belgium has gynaecologists.

"22% increase in clean energy research" That's research. Not energy. We will not be funding clean energy, but research into it. Oh good. That'll fix the permafrost then. Note how i put the boot in even when he's saying things with which I, fundamentally, agree. Phew! It's just to not be reliant on the 75% oil imports from the Middle East, not to halt global warming.

Apparently in six years "we can make our reliance on Middle eastern oil a thing of the past". But...but...by then, you said they would all be forward-looking democracies. If that's going to happen why do we have to worry about being dependent on their lovely oil?

He is going to bring 30,000 math and science profesionals to work in classrooms. How? What are 'math professionals'? Carol Vorderman?

Drug education has brought about "a change in the culture of the country". Sex education, however, is the work of the devil.

"We must never give in to the belief...that our culture is doomed to unravel." Um...OK. I shan't. What does that mean, exactly? You know, just so that I can avoid believing it, if it ever comes up.

He is asking Congress to ban the "creation of human-animal hybrids." I may have fallen asleep and woken up in a bad sci-fi novel. The rising tide of human-animal hybrids threatens the very fabric of what we call a society. Roving gangs of dog-men urinate on our fire hydrants, endangering members of our emergancy services and causing unpleasant odours. Innocent children are stolen by the birdpeople, who regurgitate them to feed their evil young. We must take a stand against hamster-folk, who store much-needed welfare dollars in their capacious cheeks, leading to spiralling indolence and an increase in violent crime.

We must battle AIDS. We must not promote condom use. We will spent $85 billion on this utterly clear and consistent policy.

He has just compared himself to Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Franklin Roosevelt. "Before history is written in books, it is written in courage." Before that, God tells it to me. Before that Jesus whispers it to God.

And to think, all this started with an amusing pronunciation of the word 'duties'... Ho hum.

Morris Day

Morning.
I’m sick as a bad goat, and there’s something wrong with my faec-hole. It’s got the red, and my mouth smells like an Al-Qaeda..
The ‘phone is terrible at me for a second. Then it stops. It repeats this procedure seven or eight times, whilst I stand quacking like a broken Toby trying to work out which handle is the good one.
When it stops for good, I realise that this is going to be a Morris-day. Morris-days are the worst.
The answering machine is cross with me. “Where the fuck are you?” it says. I tell it I am at home. It doesn’t seem to care or even listen. I take comfort in the fact that, if it came to a fight, I would win.
The answering machine tells me that everyone in the office is waiting for me. I don’t think this can be true. Even if it were, I don’t see how the answering machine would know.
They say that a man’s reach should exceed his grasp. This explains why giraffes are rubbish at everything.
The answering machine is giving me the silent treatment now, and I wonder if I should buy it a present.
Later on, when I am at the place, I become aware of a young woman mouthing gummy platitudes at me, face as big as old plate. I decide to tell her about my answering machine, but she thinks I am funny and continues squirting out her horrid word-wrong.
I hate Morris Days...

9th October 2005:

With immediate effect, the author of this blog will be known as ChevalburgerTM Nathaniel Tapley. ChevalburgerTM is made from prime cuts of fresh beast, gently killed and moulded into quarter-pound patties. Ideal to eat on the hoof! It may not be the dog's bollocks, but it's certainly something's...

What makes ChevalburgerTM Nathaniel Tapley so funny?

It's the horse of course!

See more at this month's Out of Vaudeville on Sunday, 16th October at The Sound Theatre, Leicester Square...

The Cross of St George

Imagine the scene:

"Nice flags you're hanging out there, Heinrich."

"Why, thank you, Hans."

"Except, if you don't mind me saying so, they appear to be covered in swastikas."

"That's right, Hans."

"But isn't the swastika a symbol of bigotry and racism and a reminder of one of the most shameful periods of our recent history?"

"That's where you're wrong, Hans. The swastika is an ancient Vedic symbol, usually assumed to represent the sun. I'm reclaiming it from the racists."

"Oh. But isn't the red background also typical of the National Socialist stylings of that very symbol?"

"Not at all, Hans. I wish to express my sympathy for the original, socialistic aims of the Munich Workers' Party, as expressed in the Fourteen Points, resolved in 1919. That the symbol was later appropriated by a fascist clique is all the more reason for those of us who truly believe in a socialist Germany to hang out the swastikas."

"I see. Do you not feel that it might be construed by some to be a little insensitive?"

"Not at all. Those people are namby-pamby liberals with no sense of national pride. They should probably be gassed to death."

"Thank you, Heinrich. That's all very clear to me now."

Blogtastic!

Both of the people who look at this site (one of them being me) will have realised that it hasn't been updated in quite some time.

Never fear! There are lots of new blogs for you to look at, all of which are filled with comedy goodness...

For instance, there's Insult to Injury's new blog, The Worlds of Nathaniel and Tobias, OverREADINGS and I Hate Culture. Although, you never know, I may post the highlights here is you're all very good...

You'll like this...not a lot!

Some of you know that I perform comedy. Some of you know that performing comedy ocasionally means performing in variety-type shows with all sorts of interesting people. Some of these interesting people are wizards.

That's right.

Sometimes, when the compere says: "We're going to have a quick break now, and when we come back: a lecture on 21st -century sorcery!" he isn't, in the slightest way, shitting you. Some people would find it tactless to see the lecturer backstage and tell him what a good concept for an act you think he's got, only to meet the stony glares of the truly insane. Some of you should have been at Oh! Arts in Bethnal green tonight.

"Hello, my name's Professor Doctor David Devereux, and I'm a practising magician."

There will be no comedy tonight, my children. There will be, instead, a large man with a thin strip of a beard telling you about how 'certain parts of the magic fraternity will do anything to impress' and a Powerpoint presentation on sigils. Oh yes, a Powerpoint presentation on sigils.

What is a sigil? (slide of the word 'sigil' written in big red letter on a bklack background) A sigil is just a symbol to which we attach a concept (many slides of logos and heiroglyphs) And what's the best way to get into the right frame of mind for dealing with sigils? And, before you say it, I know many magical traditionalists are going to get very upset about this...(slide with 'WANKING AND FUCKING' on it).

Other highlights included the lines: "By the time you leave here tonight each of you will be able to raise his right hand." and "Most people think of this as a radical offshoot of the eighties' Chaos Magic Movement". No, David. Most people don't. "Sigils dealt with this way will work fine for smaller things, apart from curses." No explanation given.

Come to our show on Friday instead. It'll be better, promise...

Cover Bands I'd love to see #1

Test Your brains!

...with my lovely movie quiz.

I'm going to give you ten pairs of to films. You're going to provide one extra film for each pair, which contains an actor from each.

For example: Heathers - Love Actually; acceptable answers would be Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Christian Slater (Heathers) and Alan Rickman (Love Actually)) or...erm...or one of the others....

Use of the IMDB is most definitely cheating, answers in the comments box (extra marks will be awarded for ingenuity). There probably won't be a prize, except knowing that you are cleverer than me. Or I might get you a drink...

Here goes:

1) Bugsy Malone - Tomorrow Never Dies
2) Bedazzled - Chinatown
3) Batman (1966) - Die Hard
4) Batman (1966) - Mission: Impossible II
5) Batman (1966) - The Manchurian Candidate
6) Batman (1966) - Rooster Cogburn
7) Starsky and Hutch - ID4: Independence Day
8) Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Out of Africa
9) Zoolander - Lair of the White Worm
10) Citizen Kane - Gigli

Good luck!

Gratuitous self-promotion

Buy goods with my face on! Just think, I could be on your pants this evening. Yes, there's Insult to Injury merchandise available. Some of it's quite sexy. And it will make me richer if you buy it. Buy it.

BUY IT!