Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Dead Fly edges out Chirac and Le Pen!

In a startling development in France's tortuous presidential election process yesterday, a dead fly beat both Jacques Chirac and far-right candidate Jean Le Pen to become head of state in the ailing democracy. In one of the closest-fought battles in France's electoral history, the dead fly edged out the other candidates, receiving only one vote more than either of the others.

The pivotal voter in this election, Jean-Bertrand Robespierre from Nimes, said of his crucial vote: "Hee-haw heehaw heehaw-heehaw. Heehaw heehaw heehaw. Fauteuil."

It is believe that the dead fly received the deciding vote, when he became lodged under the heel of M Robespierre's hand whilst crawling across the ballot paper on Monday. A spokesman for the beleaguered Frenchman said: "M Robespierre did not go to the polling station with the intention of voting, but, due to the amount of cheap, red wine he had consumed between his morning croissants and brushing his teeth, accidentally marked the page whilst stumbling through the polling booth.

"The fact that this mark quite clearly appears next to the dead fly attached to the paper in no way indicates M Robespierre's approval of the aforesaid candidate, nor should it be taken to be an indication of any willingness on his part to participate in the system of parliamentary democracy.

"M Robespierre's family have a long tradition of not-voting, and he would just like to apologise to the people of Nimes and to the people of France itself for any distress that may be caused by his inadvertently voting in such a flagrant and reprehensible manner." A government spokesman called his posting a ballot slip "a gross and horrible traducement of France's traditions of apathy and voter disregard for the realities of the world".

In other news, the French public were ousted as the electorate by a weasel. The French were ruled 'unfit to govern', and promptly organised a piss-up in a brewery.

France is made of green cheese.

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Thursday, April 04, 2002

Old, Dead Woman Gets About A Bit!

Where next for the Queen Mum? That Coffin Tour in full

St James' Palace today released full details of the movements of the gin-soaked remains of the nation's granny. Highlights include:

1) Friday, April 5th, 8:00am: Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother will be moved via a fleet of royal pigeons to Balmoral, her very favourite place, where she will be massaged gently by members of the royal household, each of whom will be wearing a regimental stoat, draped loosely, yet stylishly, from their humble shoulders.

2) Saturday, April 6th, 12:00 noon: QEtQM will watch the Cordon Bleu Handicap Hurdle Class A (Listed) at Aintree, betting £400 million on the rank outsider Dark Flasher, just because no-one's going to tell her not to. This will be followed by a short period in which the corpse is liberally sprinkled with Gordon's, and QEtQM will mutter to herself about where that lovely My Wyatt went, and how the horses ran so much faster during the war.

3) Sunday April 7th, 6:00am: QEtQM's body will be lain in state at Westminster Abbey, in order that the common folk of London can come and remenisce about how 'she was the only decent one of 'em', and how she got bombed during the war, too. No mention will be made of the infamous "What was all that about? I thought we had a deal!" telegram sent by George Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to the Reichschancellor shortly after this, nor of the fact that QEtQM use to give copies of 'Mein Kampf' to people as birthday presents. During this period, the Royal Grandchildren will keep a vigil, during which Prince Charles may weep freely, showing the ability of the Royal family to display emotions, despite their insides being a jumble of wires and plastic, unless, however, the dead person happens to be a common, feckless slattern who was carrying on with a jumped-up cameljockey.

4) Wedneday April 10th, 2:00pm: It is traditional that on the elevelnth day after the death of a monarch their body be made available to the general public of Great Britain for a period of not less than four hours, in order that they might cry. Thus, at this time, the Queen Mother's corpse will be inflated to the size of a small car park, and displayed in the sky above the major cities of the United Kingdom until, as was her express wish, the wind will blow her to Glamis.

5) Wednesday April 10th, 6:00pm: QEtQM's grossly bloated corpes will be towed, by means of ceremonial rope, to Windsor, where Princes William and Harry will take turns to attempt to deflate it, using nothing more than guns. When this is achieved, QEtQM will take her final whizz around London, helium and hydrogen pouring from the orifices her great-grandchildren have newly prepared for her, finally being deposited, with a splash, into the murky bowels of the Thames, her very favourite river.

Old women die, sometimes.

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